– As some of you know, I recently embarked on a very long intercontinental journey. Experience that not happened to me for some time, then, before I tell you about the places I’ve visited, let me – with a complete honesty – tell you all the things I did wrong on this trip and that you, when your turn will come, won’t go wrong, mindful of this post.
1. When one is used to do flights of 1 or 2 hours, always craves the window seat on the plane. Please consider that I’m a romantic and sensitive woman with the ambition to be a writer, I wanted to feel free to observe the planet from up there, having deep and meaningful thoughts about the world. MISTAKEN. The level of constraint that you will experience in flight, the discomfort to bother other passengers at night, when they are sleeping with their mouth open, all stuck in the headphones, wrapped up in plaid and mask, will not have equal. But you will have to. Because you will have to pee. It is not your fault.
2. If like me you are not-Paris-Hilton and, in addition to wearing panties, traveling in economy, you can not bring your laptop because there is no real space to “work”. Instead you will see a parade of movies as you have not had since the last love story that you have closed, when you stayed for three months on the couch wearing pajamas.
3. You must understand that in flight, to our body, things happen that – if I understood something physical or pressure or thermodynamics or aerospace engineering could now explain. But unfortunately I do not understand anything of the above. But you can rely on: in flight we swell. We expand. We grow. I repeat: WE SWELL. Is not that swell only the feet and legs, as one’s expecting. It also inflates your belly. IT SWELLS. So, do me the courtesy, do not be cool like me, traveling with jeans. A nice suit pants. A nice Maternity stuff. A beautiful leopard print leggings. What you want, but nothing that would include a zip or buttons.
4. Presumably you’ll also need to issue flatulence from the less virtuous of your orifices. I advise you to release them. I didn’t, because I was ashamed so I tighten the buttocks with more vehemence than if Motumbo was threatening my back and when I arrived I was kind of Led Zeppelin airship. I do not know if you get it.
5. When you go to another continent it is almost certain to have intestinal problems. In the sense that it is one of the most common diseases. Bring medicines to avoid diarrea disasters. Of course, I did not need them, because I’m always constipated. So, the first necessity upon arrival, was to find KIWI fruit, irreplaceable panacea of all evils for those suffering from constipation. I mean, the first step to set in a new place is to make it acceptable to your gut. If it is more than a weekend stay, you have to deal with it, the sooner the better. The first normal shit you do, you will indicate that you are acclimated, you feel at home. Useful in this regard even the lactic acid bacteria, began before the trip and continued throughout.
6. Actually half of the things you bring in your suitcase will not help you. But I do not judge you for it. No one like me can understand how important it is to bring the wedge heels in Asia. Stiletto heels. The All Star. The sneakers. Two pairs of flip-flops. However, here, try to rely on: if you go to a place where the average temperature is 29 degrees with a humidity of 85%, you need not THREE JEANS trousers for 2 weeks. You will not use them. Believe me.
7. Another useless thing that you will take with you, but really useless, is all your hair products and stuff (the real aloe shampoo, the conditioner, the mask, the diffuser to dry them; the hair straighteners, for the most daring). No girls, you cannot understand what is the MOISTURE there. You make yourself cute and you go for 20 seconds – repeat: TWENTY SECONDS – outdoors, in the head you’ll have a nest of quail. Just accept it. You can be attractive in Milan. Not in Asia.
8. In addition to melatonin to recover from jet-lag (and in any case the first 48 hours will be tough, just know it), you have to buy right away, if you do not take it with you, a mouthwash. Digesting the Asian food is a challenge. You will not want to pollute your neighbor with bad breathe that you will (for sure) have. Especially if you plan on making out with someone (like if you go with your partner)
9. Were you good at English at school? You were the best ones of the class? At university you’ve had a good mark for the exam? Great. This means NOTHING. But not like when you go to London or to USA, that you realize you do not understand a shit, then say “sorry, can you repeat slowly please” and those repeat as if speaking with a handicapped, and you understand. No. In Asia people speak a very creative English, so you can ask to repeat, and they repeat, and you will not understand, and they repeat, and you will not understand. It will not always be like this, of course. Sometimes you will get it easily. But know that it will not always be simple, INDEED. Do not feel frustrated. Blame their pronunciation, not your comprehension.
10. Smoking is no longer fashionable, we already know. It’s a stupid, useless, harmful habit. We all agree. Each cig that you smoke, your life expectancy is reduced. True, we smokers are silly and guilty. However, be very careful when you smoke outside, which is prohibited. wherever prohibited. Even OUTDOORS. Prohibited outside restaurants and cocktail bars. FORBIDDEN ON THE ROOFTOPS. What if you get caught you throw a cigarette butt on the ground? You get an unthinkable fine. And when you do, smoking all packed like rats in the smoking areas, and passers-by look at you as if you are a total junkie, there you realize you are really far away from home.
In the next post I’ll tell you something about Singapore and the places I’ve been. And yes, I still have the report on Sicily pending. I know.
Write you soon (I hope)